sometimes I look at pictures of myself, relive those moments and for a second I realize that im still that tiny Aashi, who was sucha shy girl. I was always the quiet one, the one who cried when her best friend didn’t come to school, the one who always understood, the one who if she were late to the school sh’d cry the whole second period as she entered, the one who’d run back and forth between the kitchen and her grandparents house, serving them hot rotis while cutting tax and taking a bite off of every roti that I severed, the one who used to teach her Dadaji Hindi and dadi English, the one who kept the keys of the tijori hidden and safe at 7 years old because her dadi thought of her the most reliable and responsible, the one who loved laughing, the one who used to become butte Walle bhaiya, use pencils and acted like she’s roasting corn and selling, the one who played so many games with her brother, the one who loved everyone so much.
looking back there’s so much I cant recall but every now and then I get flashbacks from my childhood. its crazy how any random thing can remind u of something that happened with you decades ago. the way I want a way to talk to my little self but I cannot, so I chose to talk to my future self instead through these blogs, my journals, notes, so I can tell her how I felt during these times and so that she can feel proud of how long she’ve come.
my best friend, in grade 4th made me make my first ever journal. the book I keep so so so close to my heart. ive written so many random things in that journal. its the cutest thing ever! but it stopped, the last page ive written is in dec of 2017 when my dad passed away suddenly. before which I would be so active in the journal, I wrote about my last year, every new year, wrote about my current favourite things, did so many crafts and had them all over the journal. but it all stopped. I honestly never understood why it was so hard for me to write in my journal, this thought started forming when I wanted to pick up journaling again after the break. but no matter how much I would try or think about writing, I just never had the heart to even pick up my journal. If I wrote I wrote a lot but if not, then I’d keep telling myself that I’ll write tom but didn’t write for 3 months. but now I understand, a few weeks ago I realized all of this. and yes, as much as they say time always heals its not fully true, I mean dont get me wrong yes you’ll learn how to live again and of course, god wills you’ll live a beautiful life. but some things will never be the same. you do lose something in you when you the person who’s one of the reasons you’re here today, you have this life. but I feel like, after this realization I made a deal with myself and have picked this up again and promised to try harder at making this a habit again.
if Aashi at 12 saw me today, she’d be in awe. she’d be so happy of how far we’ve come. so many answered prayers, so many blessings. I do believe I am and becoming the girl I always wanted to be. although I have my own things I struggle with, we have come a long way and we shall moving ahead.
I also finally finished university!!!!!!!!! can you believe it! it may not be a big deal for everyone but being the first gen immigrant and first gen graduate, is something to be really realllly proud of and happy! All I wish for is for my mom to be here with me at my graduation. I wish for her to experience where I’ve been for the last five years without her. she deserves the credit as much as I do, if not more. she did everything and anything possible to make this dream come true for me. she spent all her life hustling, gave up on all of her dreams just to bring me to the stage. I know my papa would be so so so so so proud of me, actually I know he’s watching down on me and is so so so proud of his daughter.
23 sounds like a big age to me, and im excited for whats to come. I hope this year is fullll of growth and abundance. I hope I follow my passion and intuition. its my year for setting the bricks!
love, aashi<3
